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Speak no evil 1

Published August 5, 2015 by EssenceofInanna

part1 of Speak No Evil

As a child the term domestic violence didn’t exist. There wasn’t much spoken on the topic but that didn’t mean it didn’t occur. More than not its just a squabble or an argument or a private fight between a married couple.
There was this little girl I remember named Lisa Wright when we were young being subject to domestic violence of some sort throughout her life. It was so insignificant not because it wasn’t important, but because it was so regular. It was not so called “news” to speak about. I would say that lifestyle was part of her life from day one.

Thinking back when Lisa and I were very young, I can see that her mother was scarred from domestic violence especially since I still hear stories of “new encounters” that happened to her mom in her youth. The only reason I mentioned her mothers’ scars were because of all the violence that circumvented her mom’s life before Lisa’s existence -during her mom’s youth.

The first encounter I can recall was extremely vague due to my age. Thinking back Lisa may have been two years of age. I remember because it was her birthday. Oh man everything was soo great!!! You should’ve seen her face when she was surprised with that round blue cookie monster cake. Cookie monster was her favorite Sesame Street character at the time.  I remember having a great time that day. It was definitely the little things that count. There was a cookie that stuck out of cookie monster’s mouth with M&M like candies in it. The candies in the cookie was my favorite part of the cookie. Now to account for each detail of that day would be impossible for me at that age, so I will recount it as best as a two year old child’s memory.

Lisa’s father was in college and her parents (I believe) were already separated, so she was always very happy to see him when he came to visit. Somehow and for some reason that night turned extremely ugly real fast. All I remember was arguing and yelling mostly coming from her mother -mainly because she tried to convince him not to leave. Her father went into Lisa’s grandmother’s bedroom with her mother following closely on his heals. Obviously they’ve gone through this before because her grandmother knew her position was to keep us away from all the commotion. Only problem -we can still hear everything.

Either way- her father left and her mother was battered with black eyes, bruised jaw, and head injuries. I can only imagine what she went through internally mentally and emotionally, since I didn’t go through it myself. I can definitely say that Lisa suffered as a child. While many things were confusing to me, my soul and my gut knew there was something wrong with Lisa. She cried many times because she missed her father soo much. “I love my mother and didn’t want to have to choose between them”, she would tell me. Angry at her mother for making her father angry, for being being pushy and bossy with him, and making him leave Lisa again. She didn’t actually make him leave but in a child’s mind she made it worse because when he tried to leave she would stand in front of the door instead of letting him go and hopefully he would return soon. Then one day Lisa over-heard her mom speaking to her dad on the phone telling him he cannot see Lisa ever again. Lisa was fuming and now her mom was the bad-guy and her dad was the good-guy. Lisa couldn’t understand her mother’s mental anguish yet, so she put her mom at fault for everything. She use to slap Lisa in the face and told Lisa to get out of her face because she look just like her father, “You make me sick, and to get out of my sight” she would say. Days go by but the violence doesn’t end there. Every relationship thereafter looked the same. Lisa blamed her again because her breakups were very hostile and Lisa would end up seeing it all.

There would be days that we would visit Lisa’s grandmother to later have me witness Lisa’s grandmother being punched, pushed, yelled at, screamed at and insulted by Lisa’s mom for (at times) cooking some form of food containing swine.  Even tho I’m highlighting the bad encounters within her family doesn’t mean great times were obsolete.  As a child all she could see was calamity surrounding her mother because she invited it into her life.  I will revisit this concept of surrounding yourself with calamities later on.
Right now she is three years of age out and about with her mother and grandmother. Again her grandmother was left with the duty of watching Lisa while her mother goes to the store. During the time her grandmother and Lisa was waiting outside for her mother -her father showed up. He took Lisa from her grandmother and walked away. He brought her to his house where he lived with his girlfriend Minerva and her two male children.  Minerva was always very kind and patient, sweet and gentle was how Lisa explained it. She would bathe dress Lisa talk to her and let her play with Minerva’s youngest son.  Everything seemed great except she still missed her mom and grandma.  Lisa didn’t worry too much because she thought she was just visiting. She said she didn’t remember spending much time with her oldest son, but he approached her about a game. He brought Lisa in the hallway closet and began to pull her pants down then tugs on her panties.  She began to feel uncomfortable so she pulled her pants back up. He told her to hush when he heard footsteps as she watched the shadow underneath the door passing by.  She began to get scared because he seemed to be nervous about getting caught -which let her think he was doing something wrong.  He returned back to his original plans, but she heard the footsteps return along with the shadow.  She said she panicked in her head thinking this was her only chance.  She screamed and the footsteps stop then turn around.  The door opened as the boy was spotted tugging at her pants while his was already pulled down.  She didn’t even know that he pulled his pants down. She figured he did it when she was trapped in the closet with him because she saw the movement or motion as if pulling the pants down. Her father immediately removed the little boy from the closet and spanked him.  The boy never tried it again but he used to sneak and watch her bathe so I am sure her dad trusted the boy would try again if he had the chance.  She was not allowed out of supervision anymore.
How does a three year old know she is being inappropriately watched? Its a gut feeling that comes over you to tell you something isn’t quite right.  To confirm her feelings, his mother use to watch him and tell him to get away from the bathroom. She would say he shouldn’t be looking at little girls.  Lisa thought that to be very odd because she never saw a mother so nervous about her own child with exception of this time.  She never thought she should be worried about someone looking at her as she bathed because she was always treated like a baby when in the tub. Since being raised by her mother and grandmother, they were very open and free spirited as well not having any males permanently in the home.  Why should a child have to be cautious anyway? They should be able to be carefree.  From then on she became guarded and never understood what people were talking about when she overheard them speak of her guardedness.  Thankfully, her mother came to get her after she was tracked down. Due to the incident with the little boy and Lisa; her father was glad to return Lisa back to my mother when her mom arrived.  And this was just the beginning of her long journey down the crazy hall of being a victim before she knew what it meant .
Now let me fast forward for a bit to age seven.  Just coming back home from living with her father, she moved back to her mother’s house.  It is very difficult to get closure about what I will speak on next.  The mother that Lisa knows and loves is suppose to show and teach love, nurturing and support, but instead grew to view her mom as a monster.  Yeah those are harsh words, but what would you say if you grew up witnessing your mother beat your grandmother regularly?
I will take a step back a moment and say I do not want to judge.  I don’t want to judge because I don’t know if her intentions were to be mean or if she had inner turmoil that she didn’t know how to handle.  At that moment Lisa was not nor haven’t felt very forgiving on the topic of abusing her grandmother partly because her grandmother did not have children until she was forty years old. There was a huge generation gap therefore elderly and the other part it being her mother and her grandmother.
Now I don’t want you to think I am being harsh or judgmental, but as far as I am concerned wrong is wrong. Ok, why am I apologizing for the abuser?  Isn’t this what (the abused) does? Generally or typically make excuses or look the other way when it comes to things like this.  As an example I will explain food rage. Why do I call it food rage?  Well because one day Lisa and her mother came over to her grandmother’s apartment for a visit.  They sat in the chairs to watch television – most likely the news.  Her mother gets up to drink some milk from the carton. She puts the milk back in the refrigerator. After closing the fridge she notices that the grandmother was cooking pork chops again.  Her mother was a vegetarian not long ago and a fairly new member of the Nation of Islam, so she will definitely not eat pork.  She begins to argue with her mother about cooking pork for herself. *side note…I don’t think her grandmother planned on feeding them pork for dinner. So upon realizing there was pork being cooked in her vicinity she went off.  She began to yell and scream – (her spoken reason for being so irate was past incidences from her friends and family).  She would mention how her friends would invite her over their home and slide pork into her food. They knew her faith dictated that she remove that animal from her diet according to her teachings of the elders, but would never tell her the food was tainted.  They loved teasing her because she would always react -like calling her by her childhood name rather than her chosen name.  They thought it was humorous, but she failed to see the humor in any of their tricks.  I witnessed their fun jabbing several times. Her friends and their family behaved badly towards her, but I do not remember any of that coming from her mother.  Maybe she was correct and Lisa’s grandmother did slip pork into the food, but so what? I feel it’s never ok to hurt your mother.  Maybe her still calls her by her childhood name rather than her new name. In her mom’s mind everyone was out to get her (it seemed) so all possible enemies. Her friends and family would get a verbal chastisement while her mother would be verbally and physically chastised.  Lisa watched this go on between her mother and grandmother from age two until the age of 16.  Watching this she grew serious hatred and love for her mother for many reasons, but love was loosing the battle so fast that she would actually think back to -why do I feel this way and how did this come about?  Then Lisa tried to recount everything witnessed in her life concerning her mother, but why? This constant return to the past can be damaging rather than look forward and plan for a possible better future.  From this alone she became so emotionally confused that it became a ripple effect in her life.
Ok going back to second grade. That was the beginning of the most changes that would later show its light in her life in a negative fashion.  This was the same girl that use to pray that her mother would find a boyfriend when her mom was single because it seemed without a man her mom would have more fits of rage. Lisa would always be the first on her list for her attack and then her grandmother.  Well one day her mother came to her grandmother’s apartment with a man. Lisa was already at her grandmothers’ being babysat by her grandmother) .  I remember Lisa telling me they were all in the living room when she heard her mom was married.  Lisa was very upset because she had no part in this process -no choice and he will be her new father whether she liked it or not.
He turned out to be a pretty cool guy for children.  One day they tell Lisa that they are having a baby. That was the best news ever for Lisa because she was an only child who longed for company.  As her mother progressed in her pregnancy the drama begins.  The step-father and her mother has arguments and fights -from what it seemed everyday.  Her mom would threaten him with a knife; he would punch her and pull and yank her hair.  She use to spend many days away from school because she ended up very sick with rare diseases due to the unsanitary conditions she was forced to live in and a poor diet. At this point Lisa would visit her father every summer.  Lisa finally has a new baby brother but she had mixed emotions because he was just a baby.  Not much time to fully enjoy her baby brother because she was too busy playing mommy (not by choice).  Lisa had to bring her brother everywhere she went, she changed his diapers, fed him, burped him and put him to sleep at night.  She and her brother had a weird relationship because they were like mother and son while simultaneously get the benefit of sibling life.  By the time Lisa reached the age of 10 she moved in with her father.  At that point her father married and had a new daughter.  Now she has two siblings and two new step parents.  Her step-father ended up abusing her mother and eventually her step-mother abused her.  She would at times wake up to her step-mother violently yanking her arm pulling the arm in and out of its socket.  There were beatings for showering a few minutes past the time limit, not moving quickly enough and a language and culture barrier.  Her step-mother was not American so the way children were taught and groomed in her upbringing was drastically different for Lisa as an American child.  At this point Lisa thought she was no better than a maggot  and began to hate herself.  She began to be self destructive and cause her life to end prematurely any time she could. She tried using alcohol to solve her problems but nothing seemed to work.  Depression began to set in and she would tell herself that she was so lame that she couldn’t kill herself successfully.
Lisa gets older and her visitation between parents swap where she lives with her dad and visits her mother in the summer.  There were several times where Lisa moved back with her mom but that never lasted too long.  During one of those days living with her mother, her step-father (who was normally responsible for getting Lisa ready for school) tried to touch her inappropriately. Luckily she felt like something was wrong before it happened, so she rolled herself as close to the wall as she could get.  Being on the top bunk bed, make his attempt almost impossible so he stopped trying and got her up for school.   With her mom attacking her and her step-father now trying to touch her, she decides to run away.  She calls her father to come get her. So far her father is still the center of her life because he was always a very patient dad, so he learned early that beatings were not needed with Lisa.
One day her father tells her that they are moving into their own new house, but it was in the poorest and dangerous neighborhood.  She learns to blend in with the people there but her relationship with her step mother never gets better.  Her father had a store front on the first floor so he starts a new business that Lisa has to help with because it was the new family business.  Little did Lisa know that because the business was new, there wouldn’t be many customers in the beginning. One day Lisa had to work for her father on a slow day. She was very tired and her father told her to sleep in the rear of the office. She complies with his suggestion to later realize he sent her in the back so he could feel on her -she thinks. No she didn’t think her father would try to touch her inappropriately just because her step-father tried.  He wasn’t blood related so it makes sense her step-father would try to touch her, but not her father. She was very nervous and jumpy now mixed with disbelief.  She tried to push it to the back of her mind because what happened wasn’t real -or what she tried to tell herself.  She was cautious after that so she never went to sleep when she had to work for her father.  She was not prepared for her father going in her room as she slept one night. Not thinking her father would do anything to her, she didn’t mind when her dad went to sleep in her bed. Its no different than when she was two as she thought to herself.  She was sexually molested by her father in her sleep. How did she know what he did if she was sleep? She was in a very light sleep so when he entered her as a virgin -she immediately woke with a huge jolt.  He didn’t get to do much before he took flight for the door, but the damage was already done. At this point it would be a miracle that Lisa wouldn’t become an abuser or a victim, but it seems she became both. Hating all men and not trusting women, Lisa became very reclusive -afraid.  She was violent, angry, self destructive and not even her father could control her anymore.

This was Lisa’s first time at a therapist, so she didn’t know what to expect. There was a fairly young white male sitting before her asking her to sit in the client chair and talk. Talk about what she says and he tells her what ever she wants. For a long while she told me she would sit in front of this man thinking if what she could possibly say, so she began with her troubles. That’s what we watched on tv. You sit on this long chair or couch while you talk to this stranger about your problems as they write notes on this pad you can’t read not comprehend if you could read it. She thought there were to be back and forth interaction or dialog. Well it was just me blabbing away until i got to the part were i was molested in my sleep by my father and he asked me if it was normal for my people. That was the last time she went. She opened up looking for help or some avenue of a rescue and that’s what she heard from her therapist. She told her father that she didn’t want to go again because it was a waste of his money and her time. Since it saved him money, he agreed. At this point she’s been physically abused by her mother and step mother, emotionally abused by all of her parents, and sexually abused by her father.
You’re probably thinking just like many other people why is he not in jail for rape? Well to start off she was about 12 years old and just move to a new neighborhood because her father bought a new house with office included. He had her working for him in his practice to again save some money and prepare her for taking over his practice eventually. Her world was secluded and she had no one she thought she could trust old enough to help her or give her sound advice.  She was scared.
Many times she would ask “why -why me? -what did i do wrong to deserve this?” She didn’t open up to many about what her father did to her but those she expected to support her, made her feel dirty and unscrupulous to say the least. With no support system she became volatile, self destructive, and extremely depressed. When she hung out with her friends she decided to get so drunk that she wouldn’t feel anything anymore, but that never helped. She thought if she could just walk into the street at just the right time she would get hit by a car. That didn’t work either. At times she would visit her mother during the summer time and  tried to raid her medicine cabinet, but I couldn’t find anything there that could do the job.
She would either sleep a lot or never stay home. She made sure she stayed busy if she wasn’t grounded (punishment). She was constantly aware of her surroundings afraid that her father would want to touch her again in her sleep or afraid that her step-mother wouldn’t like something she said or did and decide to attack her. She did have friends, but it was a small few that she was close to and even that served as little condolences to the pain that she had and still has to endure. There were many days of solitude where she was thinking trying to find out what was wrong with her and why these bad things happened to her. The thinking was not a problem but the constant self beating was another part of the perpetuating abuse in her life. The more she cried the more she asked why the more she was left with unanswered questions and found this method of coming to some form of peace was inadequate. It was when she decided to be silent within herself. She decided to think about what she could do to improve herself. As she continues to improve and learn she realized that she was beating up the wrong person. Those people who attacked her or consistently mistreated her were hurting themselves. They were sad or angry or jealous but it was never about her; it was all about their own problems that was reflected on to her. She also realized that she learned to carry myself as a victim. During her teen years she hadn’t had many relationships but for some reason seem like a magnet for rapists. She would question herself and god asking why was she targeted for rape. There were many sessions of heart wrenching tears, punching walls, screaming why why me what did I do to deserve this life? At this point I had to sit and watch her go through it because I knew no better than she.

One day she finally had enough and did her best to get out of the house so she ran into the arms of a boyfriend that felt bad about her situation. He helped her out of her father’s home and into his mothers apartment.  She was unsure but he insisted that his girlfriend not have to sleep on the benches in the park.  She later married that boy and she also gave him plenty of children.  This may sound like a happy ending and it might have if the relationship between them wasn’t so damaging.  For some reason he would talk down to her telling her she was fat, not that cute, no one wants her now that she has children and that any man that would want her -her would return her as soon as he got tired of her.  She never understood why she was being told this but it didn’t stop there. His family spoke to and treated her how they pleased. She was the baby sitter and maid. She had no feelings and if she was sick or hospitalized -he would make her feel guilty for not being well.  He never put his hands on her but he made sure he humiliated her regularly. The children learned to disrespect her the way her husband did.  He would act like he was playing then held her down to try and spit in her mouth.  He would take showers with her to pee on her in the shower.  He would make sure she didn’t have a car so he could isolate her. Every time someone would speak up on her behalf, her husband would chase them away. Lisa tried reaching out to her mother for help and her mother told her to stay with him if he isn’t beating her.  She tried to create a false image so their children would be raised normally -both mother and father.  As she watched her children grow she realized that they are suffering as well. They could not speak to others without being verbally abusive.  She found that her children were bullies because their father treated them like he treated Lisa.  Since the children couldn’t lash back at their father, they ended up starting fights in school and the neighborhood.

She used to think there was something she did that was attracting predators and she was right and wrong. She was wrong because she thought it was maybe the clothes she wore or maybe the way she looked at a man with her eyes or maybe it was how she pace her steps but there were many other women who were very provocative sexy and outgoing that did not get victimized. Maybe it was because she was shy she didn’t speak much or very quiet, but that wasn’t it either.  She had to look deeper. She found that there were certain learned behaviors that allowed for people to do or how to treat me that was not stopped when the signs showed. She did not know if this applies to everyone else, but the facts were -she did not like to make a spectacle, did not like noise, did not like confrontation, and it was a bit obvious in her body language. If one loves to rape women they would not want to be discovered, so they can continue doing what they love to do. It is easier to target those who are not confrontational or people who do not like to cause a scene. Being afraid she ended up spending a lot of time alone thinking. Unfortunately, many women who go through what Lisa has either commit suicide, getting involved with criminal activity, become overly promiscuous, from what I understand some women choose to deal with the same sex still having the same problems, or pull into themselves as she did. As far as therapeutic measures many women use avoidance as a method of healing or even pills. Neither of these work usually with just about anything in life that is harming us. Facing your demons is the only way to get through it. Abuse is the demon that haunts a victim’s life. Realize that you do have the power to take control of your life and your future. Realizing that you are the only one that can help you by loving yourself more than anyone on this earth. Loving you will give you the power and energy to push through any obstacle that may come your way. Know that you are beautiful know that you are special know that you are intelligent and know that you are worth it. Those are abused us for what ever reason lack the power within themselves therefore must assert their power on someone else to prove they have power. But if you realize that you can you love yourself and realize your purpose in this world you can create great healing for yourself. Once you have created a healing environment you can then move on to being a positive force in this world. She had to realize that after being in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 20 years not recognizing that she was in an abusive relationship -even though she did not receive physical trauma.

Less than 2 ft tall

Eyes wide open looking into a world so small

Faith love optimism held close for the same of us all

Learning to deal with rejection and disappointment as trust in humanity starts to fall

Environments uncertain as hurt and fear make her weep

Thinking many times that mommy is a creep

As her mom, lies, steals, deceptions and all types of deceit

Short term wins and karma is what you reap

Cuz her mom keeps her from her daddy as her heart beat for a moment -stalls…

Good fortune appears at a crawl

Her world crumbles Around her as her mom makes it all fall

Screaming, yelling as her small eyes bear witness to it all

Held silent on her baby tongue because as they say “she knows nothing nor will she remember coming from a child so small”

Love for her momma always

Holding on to the good days

Hoping things get better in many ways

**********

With morals of none at all

Many times a witness grandma by her daughter maul

Mother and grand mother brawl

For things so small

After many tears

Hiding from many fears

Unknown of future years

sad and unsocial, bad news from little noises she hears

Poor baby girl still prays to god

To save and help my mother’s soul and momma don’t love me

And the reason why -she never gets the answer as life passes her by

But momma beats me

And she beats on grand mommy

Thru the key hole i could see my daddy

Beat mommy with eyes black and blue

And losses another tooth

Vicious cycles of abuse

Wondering how to end it and call for a truce

Since all things come to an end either i do something about or keep waiting till it all pause

Becoming a victim so young

She was so wrong and mom always the nice guy

Confidence, childhood, and innocence has died

Hoping one day she holds her head to the sky

Still, she maybe shy

But no longer wondering why

Her mom can never be an ally

As long as she’s alive she’s gotta always try

But this time she does it with an open mind

She says,

As soon as I can I will have a different life

When her wings spread and soar through the night’s sky

Knowing every trip every flight every night she will represent the strength and the fight

Traveling in plain sight

The lessons are not only for her

But for all those who see and hear her

The strength i build for me is so others could see

That you too can be strong it’s just not me.

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************

___________________________________________________________________

This was my first time at a therapist so i didn’t know what to expect. There was a fairly young white male sitting before me asking me to sit in the client chair and talk. Talk about what I say and he tells me what ever I want. For a long while i would sit in front of this man thinking if what could possibly say so i began with my troubles. That’s what i watched on tv. You sit on this long chair or couch while you talk to this stranger about your problems as they write notes on this pad you can’t read not comprehend if you could read it. I also thought there were to be interaction or dialog. Well it was just me blabing away until i got to the part were i was molested in my sleep by my father and he asked me if it was normal for my people. That was the last time i went. I opened up looking for help or some avenue of a rescue and that’s what i heard from my therapist. I told my father that i didn’t want to go again because it was a waste of his money and my time. Since it saved him money, he agreed. At this point I’ve been physically abused by my mother and step mother, emotionally abused by all of my parents, and sexually abused by my father.
You’re probably thinking just like many other people why is he not in jail for rape? Well to start off I was about 12 years old and just move to a new neighborhood because my father bought a new house with office included. He had me working for him in his practice to again save some money and prepare me for taking over his practice eventually. My world was secluded and I
-by my father as i grew up witnessing all types of abuse. Many times i would ask why -why me? -what did i do wrong to deserve this? I didn’t open up to many about what my father did to me but those i expected to support me, made me feel dirty and unscrupulous to say the least. With no support system i became volatile, self destructive, and extremely depressed. When I hung out with my friends I decided to get so drunk that I wouldn’t feel anything anymore but that never helped. I thought if I could just walk into the street at just the right time I would get hit by a car that didn’t work either at times I would visit my mother during the summer time and I tried it raid her medicine cabinet but I couldn’t find anything there that could do the job.
I would either sleep a lot or never stay home. I made sure I stay busy if I wasn’t grounded. I was constantly aware of my surroundings afraid that my father and me want to touch me again in my sleep or afraid that my step mother wouldn’t like something I said or did and decide to attack me. I did have friends but it was a small few that I was close to and even that served as little condolences to the pain that I have and still endure. There were many days of solitude thinking trying to find out what was wrong with me and why these bad things happened to me. The thinking was not a problem with the constant self beating was another part of the perpetuating abuse in my life. The more I cried the more I asked why the more I was left with unanswered questions and found this method of coming to some form of peace was inadequate. It was when I decided to be silent within myself. I decided to think about what I can do to improve myself. As I continue to improve and learn I realized that I am beating up the wrong person. those people who attacked me or consistently mistreated me were hurting themselves. They were sad or angry or jealous but it was never about me it was all about their own problems that was reflected on to me. I also realized that I learned to carry myself as a victim. During my teen years I hadn’t had many relationships but for some reason I seem like a magnet for rapists. I would question myself and god asking why was I targeted for rape. There were many sessions of heart wrenching tears, punching walls, screaming why why me what did I do to deserve this life?

 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
This was my first time at a therapist so i didn’t know what to expect. There was a fairly young white male sitting before me asking me to sit in the client chair and talk. Talk about what I say and he tells with what ever I want. For a long while i would sit in front of this man thinking if what could possibly say so i began with my troubles. That’s what i watched on tv. You sit on this long chair or couch while you talk to this stranger about your problems as they write notes on this pad you can’t read not comprehend if you could read it. I also thought there were to be interaction or dialog. Well it was just me blabing away until i got to the part were i was molested in my sleep by my father and he asked me if it was normal for my people. That was the last time i went. I opened up looking for help or some avenue of a rescue and that’s what i heard from my therapist. I told my father that i didn’t want to go again because it was a waste of his money and my time. Since it saved him money, he agreed. At this point I’ve been physically abused by my mother and step mother, emotionally abused by all of my parents, and sexually abused

Part4

-by my father as i grew up witnessing all types of abuse. Many times i would ask why -why me? -what did i do wrong to deserve this? I didn’t open up to many about what my father did to me but those i expected to support me, made me feel dirty and unscrupulous to say the least.  With no support system i became volatile, self destructive, and extremely depressed.  When I hung out with my friends I decided to get so drunk that I wouldn’t feel anything anymore but that never helped. I thought if I could just walk into the street at just the right time I would get hit by a car that didn’t work either at times I would visit my mother during the summer time and I tried it raid her medicine cabinet but I couldn’t find anything there that could do the job. 

Part5

I would either sleep a lot or never stay home. I made sure I stay busy if I wasn’t grounded. I was constantly aware of my surroundings afraid that my father and me want to touch me again in my sleep or afraid that my step mother wouldn’t like something I said or did and decide to attack me. I did have friends but it was a small few that I was close to and even that served as little condolences to the pain that I have and still endure. There were many days of solitude thinking trying to find out what was wrong with me and why these bad things happened to me. The thinking was not a problem with the constant self beating was another part of the perpetuating abuse in my life. The more I cried the more I asked why the more I was left with unanswered questions and found this method of coming to some form of peace was inadequate. It was when I decided to be silent within myself. I decided to think about what I can do to improve myself. As I continue to improve and learn I realized that I am beating up the wrong person. those people who attacked me or consistently mistreated me were hurting themselves. They were sad or angry or jealous but it was never about me it was all about their own problems that was reflected on to me. I also realized that I learned to carry myself as a victim. During my teen years I hadn’t had many relationships but for some reason I seem like a magnet for rape. I used to question in my head why was I targeted for that act.

Part6

I would either sleep a lot or never stay home. I made sure I stay busy if I wasn’t grounded. I was constantly aware of my surroundings afraid that my father and me want to touch me again in my sleep or afraid that my step mother wouldn’t like something I said or did and decide to attack me. I did have friends but it was a small few that I was close to and even that served as little condolences to the pain that I have and still endure. There were many days of solitude thinking trying to find out what was wrong with me and why these bad things happened to me. The thinking was not a problem with the constant self beating was another part of the perpetuating abuse in my life. The more I cried the more I asked why the more I was left with unanswered questions and found this method of coming to some form of peace was inadequate. It was when I decided to be silent within myself. I decided to think about what I can do to improve myself. As I continue to improve and learn I realized that I am beating up the wrong person. those people who attacked me or consistently mistreated me were hurting themselves. They were sad or angry or jealous but it was never about me it was all about their own problems that was reflected on to me. I also realized that I learned to carry myself as a victim. During my teen years I hadn’t had many relationships but for some reason I seem like a magnet for rape. I used to question in my head why was I targeted for that act. 

Part7-END-

I used to think there was something I did that was attracting predators and I was right and wrong. I was wrong because I thought it was maybe the clothes I wore or maybe the way I looked at a man with my eyes or maybe it was how I paste my steps but there were many other women who were very provocative sexy and outgoing that did not get victimized. Maybe it was because I was shy I didn’t speak much or very quiet but that wasn’t it either so I had to look deeper. I found that there were certain learned behaviors that I allowed for people to do or how to treat me that was not stopped when the signs showed. I do not know if this applies to everyone else but the but the fact is I do not like to make a spectacle I do not get like noise I do not like confrontation and it is a bit obvious in my body language. If one loves to rape women they would not want to be discovered so they can continue doing what they love to do therefore it is easier to target those who are not confrontational or people who do not like to cause a scene. Being afraid I ended up spending a lot of time alone thinking. Unfortunately many women who go through what I have either commit suicide or getting involved with criminal activity or become overly promiscuous or from what I understand some women choose to do with the same sex still having the same problems or pull into themselves as I did. As far as therapeutic measures many women use avoidance as a method of healing or even pills. Neither of these work usually with just about anything in life that is harming us. Facing your demons is the only way to get through it. Abuse is the demon that haunts a victim’s life. Realize that you do have the power to take control of your life and your future. Realizing that you are the only one that can help you by loving yourself more than anyone on this earth. Loving you will give you the power and energy to push through any obstacle that may come your way. Know that you are beautiful know that you are special know that you are intelligent and know that you are worth it. Those are abused us for what ever reason lack the power within themselves therefore must assert their power on someone else to prove they have power. But if you realize that you can you love yourself and realize your purpose in this world you can create great healing for yourself. Once you have created a healing environment you can then move on to being a positive force in this world. I had to realize that after being in an A emotionally abusive relationship for over 20 years not recognizing that I was in an abusive relationship even though I did not receive physical trauma.
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